Secure in Science or in Spirit?

The Very Human Desire for Safety

Photo by Trophim Lapteff on Unsplash

I am finding myself experiencing a curious period of days while writing this commentary. I am remembering the impact that the Lomilomi shamanic massage had on my psyche, soul, and self-understanding. I recall the unequivocal connection to nature during my subsequent walk in the woods and how I came to a sense of safety around agreeing to the surgery.

I find myself wanting to do justice to what caused my dramatic shift towards this choice. I believe that my understanding of true health - wholeness - took a quantum leap that afternoon which changed my relationship to my body, my mind and my heart.

Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.

Blaise Pascal

Trans: The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.

I used to hold reason as superior to all - that dutiful student of Rationalism. My experience in that massage room clinched the deal on my investigations of things more “spiritual” and whole-Self-led: felt via the body, heard via something other than my ears. I had read about such things - see my post Resource: Extraordinary Knowing - but not experienced it in a way that would guide me in such a crucial choice.

I felt unusually connected to that tree. I felt held between solidity of trunk and magic of sunbeam. Maybe I felt like the indigenous peoples in times before the naming of “British Columbia”, who were shamed out of this connection by the settlers, forced to follow a colonial, Christian dogma and give up their trance state. Instead they were changed by a state-sanctioned trance of authoritarian power over personhood. Whatever I was feeling, I felt changed.

A noticeable growth step in this cancer pathway has been the slowly deepening connection to my natural self. I didn’t embrace Hawaiian shamanism, I haven’t joined a movement by name or creed, but I have learned to connect to the All That Is in all of us and to trust my “knowing”, trust my heart as Pascal calls it.

For me, this dynamic of faith is for something within me first. And as I trust that, I feel it is not singular nor separate. There is something that animates my body and is part of the natural life around me that animates everything on this planet and beyond.

I don’t wish to name it, describe or explain it. It just is, as I am.

AND NOW…

I am grappling with reconciling all of the above with a choice I recently made in another surgeon’s office (bizarrely the same office that used to have Dr Hottie’s name on the door - you can’t make this shit up!).

As I write I am gearing up to start ingesting 4 litres of Polyethylene glycol 3350 prior to an altogether physical and invasive medical procedure; our good friend the colonoscopy.

I have found myself conflicted in this choice, going down rabbit holes of questioning.

Why would I ingest such huge quantities of chemical and sugars? (Magnasweet, pineapple flavouring and sodium saccharin…)

Why investigate when I have no symptoms?

What if they were to find something cancerous? Would I undergo cancer treatment again? Would I crash with despair and increase the likelihood of an unhealthy, stressed-out state?

Would I embrace a non-western medical solution by throwing myself exclusively into the spiritual, food, environmental, mindset promise?

And then I remember.

It’s not all or nothing and I am in charge of how I maintain my health.

It is not a case of one over the other. That’s the current polarization nightmare of this current era — the dismissive labelling of a person based on what they believe. We do so love the security of pigeon-holing people, knowing which lane they are in and anticipating who they are based on that.

But there truly are no lanes! We are humans making choices that make sense to us and towards what makes us feel safe. End of.

It is external organizations, political, religious and economic, that corral us into categories, feeding off that need we have for safety. You might say that is necessary for a non-anarchic society, but I’m not here to debate that. I am simply revealing my struggle with “What should I believe? What is true? Who is right?” and my relief at coming back home to me and my own self-authority. For many this is no great shakes, for others of us it is life-changing.

Trusting my body’s knowing does not mean I have to distrust a medical scientist who has examined colorectal polyps and their likelihood of cancer. There are a variety of healthcare approaches and I have the self-responsibility to choose what makes sense to me as the need arises. And a scientific route does not preclude others. Science does not have to be wielded as the one and only truth which cancels out the viability of others.

I remember hearing a First Nations patient talking with a nurse at the cancer centre, saying that she wanted to be able to bring her spiritual beliefs into her treatment, that her people need to be able to call spirit into the room with them. And I remember quietly thinking. ‘Please teach us all about that. Surely, we all need it. And I am sorry it is on you that you have to make it happen.’ I do believe the system here in Northern BC is starting to open to this, and there is still a long way to go. I am grateful to that woman for speaking up.

So here I am now. Better informed, wiser and more discerning. I can use diagnostic tools. My body can process one-off toxins and sugars because I tend to it well. I can choose my attitude to this procedure and, just like with chemo doses, bless it for what it can do for me and interact with the healthcare professionals with grace and gratitude. I don’t have to disappear down my old familiar victim route, getting resentful and scathing out of fear. I can choose to derive a sense of safety from taking charge of my own mind, emotions and spiritual needs. And making an informed choice based on ALL the information available to me.

I hope we are learning that we don’t need to pit different beliefs and methods against each other, in the wish to be right. We can more readily learn from each other’s choices when we are not tightly clutching to our chest, like a safety blanket, our One True Method while shaming everyone else out of theirs. We can be curious as we connect with what we don’t yet know, without feeling threatened by it. There is safety in that too.

-::-

LET’S WRITE TOGETHER! Our chance to gather with our hearts and thoughts and spend an hour connecting to both. More info here.

Zoom Link HERE. Passcode: 665098

PLUS! Because writing promotes health, and writing together in a spectacular location feeds many a writer’s soul, take a look at this!

I am hoping the stars align so that I too can get to Gozo from the UK in early November. Will you join us? Take a look HERE - It looks stunning!

(P.S. Colon free and clear and no repeat required for another 10 years. Hallelujah!)